Christmas of 09

"Cheers! To an end to 2010," chant the big boss.

On this very day...about 364 days ago...
at this particular hour...
I was in the office.

The very same old office, with the same old employers.
What's different now is that, I'm no longer sitting on the same spot.
No longer a permanent staff of the company.
No longer on a half day leave.
No longer sneaking the office's artificial pine tree for deco.
No longer celebrating christmas with her.

Things have changed over time. I wouldn't say a lot as there are just no means of measuring.
But things are indeed different from what I last recalled.

Can sense the excitement and anticipation that everyone is having.
I need to get away.
To get away from all these up-stir in the heart.
This sector of the office, in which I'm sitting right now... is empty.
Half of the office is on leave.
While I sit here, reminiscing the loveliest moments of 09-10.

Back-dating to a closer event...
about a week ago...
Met up with Darren, and he is back together with the ex gf.
I asked if they're seeing each other again...
He nod but in a shameful manner with a slight shake on the head after the nodding.
His eyes looking on the floor as he does that.

Perhaps, he thinks I'm disappointed in him. Or he's just disappointed with the fact that,
he's not practicing what he preach.

The truth is, I've never judged him, nor despise his choices in life.
It was an act true to the feelings, and if that's what it takes to make him happy, then that is what he should commit to.

If he's in shame, I too should felt a certain degree of shame in my actions.
Although I psycho myself into thinking all these actions are a necessity.
Believing that sealing my feelings away is the best support I can give.

Sometimes, doing nothing takes up most of the energy and concentration.

Yet from time to time...
Feelings leaked from the imaginary seals in the heart and mind.
I wonder how she's doing. Haven't seen her online a while now.
I hope she's doing well.

My christmas wish...
same as the last year.

Hope she's happy.

Always.

Happy.

When Lyrics Overwhelm Words

Best I Ever Had - Vertical Horion

So you've sailed away.
Into a grey sky morning.
Now I'm here to stay.
Love can be so boring...

Nothing's quite the same now.
I just say your name out.
But it's not so bad.
You're only the best I ever had.

You don't want me back.
You're just the best I ever had.

So you stole my world.
Now I'm just a phony.
Remembering the girl,
Leads me down and lonely.

Sending in a letter ,
Make yourself feel better...

It's not so bad.
You're only the best I ever had. =)
You don't need me back...
You're just the best I ever had.

It may take some time to...
Patch me up inside.
I can't take it so now,
I'm running away and hide.

I may find in time that...
You were always right...
You were always right.

So you've sailed away.
Into a grey sky morning.
Now I'm here to stay.
Love can be so boring.

Was this what you wanted?
Could it be I'm haunted...

Well it's not so bad.
You're only the best I ever had.
I don't want you back...
You're just the best I ever had.

It's not so bad...
You're only the best I ever had...
I don't want you back...
You're just the best I ever had.

Best I ever had.

Someone I Knew

Waking up this morning... with a little empty feeling inside.
It's as if a part of me, has been taken away, leaving a void of 'nothing-ness' inside.

Scrolling through the memories, the random scribbles I've made on this platform...
I realized what this void is.
It's you.
It has always been you.

But then... you are no longer...you... I guess...
Not the person I missed.
Not the person I knew.
Not the person I loved.

You threw a lil part of you away to embrace a new change.
And that part is exactly, what makes you special to me.
The part that makes me hate you all the same...yet it's the same fragment of your persona that captivated my heart.

Perhaps, it's a form of suppression.
It used to hurt thinking back of all the wrong decisions you've made...
It used to infuriate me.

But I believe... it's no longer important. Because the person that have caused all these...
is no longer here...for all I know, I might never see her again.
You threw away a part of you... that was also a part of me.

Hidden most of the random scribblings that documented every challenge, every complaints, and every joy we once shared.
In memory of this special someone I once knew.

Whatever will be... will be.
Take care stranger.

I wish you...
love.

Places of Water

"Yeah hor. Why we always go to places of water huh?"
"Hmmm, because places of water is romantic."
"Hmph. See. Sweet Talker."
*hee =)*

=) too.

Random Thoughts

The marathon begins, weeks after weeks of hurdle...
the body is already taking its toll on me...

And then there were these thoughts... that brought a smile back in...

"I wanna pee."
"Hmm.."
"Armanii..."
"Akupendaaaaa..."
"hmm?"
"Aku pendaaa.... "
"WEE WEE!"
"..."
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!"
"*DOOSH* DON'T MAKE ME LAUGH IN THE OFFICE!"

I miss you...
The both of you.

The Best Possible Ending

2 person in love,

yet 2 worlds apart.

2 on a separate direction,

facing constant separation.

"I love you dear."

*smiles*

"Hmm? Smile? What about you?"

*hug tighter*

"Dear. I love you."

*smiles*

"I love you too."

1.15pm Melb time, 06 Sept 2010.

Perhaps this is the best possible ending we can hope for.

I wish you love.

Rainbow

Have you heard of the story of the Rainbow?
Someone used to ask me... where does rainbows came from.

@4 I foolishly answered, rainbows are giant sugar coated sugar strips that the giants in the sky dropped. (cause I used to love sour strips?)

@14 I said, rainbows are diffused lights from raindrops after a shower

@24 I answered, Rainbows are natures way of expressing joy after sorrow.

Ever notice the poetic notion on how rainbows only appear after rain?
For after every sorrow, there will be joy. And after every darkness, there would be colors.

But Rainbows do not appear that regularly.

The heavens will not always be there to remind you of the joy after pain. Sometimes, we need to draw our own rainbows.

Remember I said you colored my life with the Rainbow you brought into my life? I too wish to show you how magical that feeling is.

We might not always see Rainbows in the sky, but I'll always be there to draw you one...

We cannot rely on fate too much to show us passion , to show us hope... Life is about explorations and experiences.

I've already put on some colors to your Rainbow, would you care to put some of the remaining colors with me?

Day 01 - Reminders

Who are you?
I am...
Zen Koe Hock Chuan

Age: 24 in 1 month's time.

I'm an architect pursuing Masters in the University of Melbourne.

What are your objectives in life?
To protect, provide and care for those I love.

What you are doing at this point to carry out your objectives?
To protect - I will endure any necessary pain to see to it that those I love is happy.

To provide - I will focus on my career and health in my life long attempt of being a provider.

To care - I will learn to put my feelings, needs, desire, wants, pain, and principles behind, and the needs of those I love in priority.

What is the one thing you want most in life?
... nobody needs to know the answer for this.

April 12th 2010

Happy Birthday
.......
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.
Dear

An Expedition and A Walk Down Memory Lane

All iz Well (Cap Square),
Flying Fox (KL Tower),
Swimming Lesson (Ascott),
ATV (Ampang),
Water Ski (Putrajaya),
Mighty Wen (Godiva),
Kite flying (Avillion),
Gay Bar (Marketplace),
Standup Comedy (Havana),
Jazz (NoBlackTie),
A Not So White Christmas (Ampang Villa),
Happy Birthday (Ciao),
Happy Beearliered Valentine (Sepang, Gold Coast),
IdunwanIdunwanIdunwanIdunwan (Frangipani),
A Not So Casual Dinner (Sage),
Full Body Massage (Jojoba)
Lala Girl (Jln Alor),
Backfired Surprise (Menara Merais),
Chauffeur for the Day (Menara Merais),
A Very Simple Outing (Prince),
Happy Job Confirmation (Sky Bar),
Why Always Alexis? (Alexis),
Foot Massage (Bukit Bintang),
Breads on Takeaway (Favola),
Can You Lower the Air-Cond Temp Please? CANNOT! (TopHat)
I'm Sad When You're Sad (Tamarind Hill)
Most Expensive Pasta (Ascott)
Vanity Dressers (Starbucks SS15, Home, Pudu)
Dining on 20,000 Ringgit (Max@iHaus)
Sea Urchin (Hajime)
Really Really Front Row Seats (KL Pac)
Ninjas Can't Cook (Ninja Jones)
Runcit Brainstorm (Secret Recipe OKR)
Surprise Movie in an Envelope (Curve)
The Postman (Bandar Kinrara)
Eating Overseas (Jaya 1)
Stupid Movie Make People Laugh and Cry (1 Utama feat. UP)
Introducing Xiao Chu (Times Square)
Can I Take 1 Hour Leave? I Need to Bring My "Dog" to a Clinic (Bdr Puchong)

12

365 days.

52 weeks.

12 months.

8 hours daily. 5 days weekly.

It has finally came to this.

Happy 1 Year Working Anniversary.

May you arrive on time every working day and return safely after working hours.

Simplicity

A friend was asking if I could convince her bf to study abroad.
I am not exactly the right person to speak to him.
Everyone has a choice in life, of what he/she wishes to do.

We can only do so much as to share our experience and to provide our insights.
How much one takes it to account is by personal preference and initiative.

A month back this time I was in Vietnam. A place called Halong Bay. There I came across the floating village whereby every dwellers young and old had been staying on their respective boathouses since the dawn of their time.

A colleague was lamenting on the fact that the childrens will never get proper education. They will never enjoy the luxury of seeing the world we do. Their context will forever be bounded in a little water village that is Halong Bay.

From another perspective... they will never know what they miss, if they never had it from the beginning. What is there to compare... when there is none to be compared with from the beginning? How is one to measure the amount of sheer joy, in which they obtain in the confinement of a little village, in contrast to us city dwellers that never cease to fill the empty void that is our heart.

True happiness can come in the simplest of form. I simply find bliss in holding one's love so closely, you breathe the same air she does... An infusion of scent that uniquely tells the story of two... A sense of rhythm that is the pace of one's breathing...

Happiness can be as simple as an exploration of the senses with someone you find worthy of.

When will I be happy again...


?

The Little Things

This time around, I left the country in a hurry. I didn't prepare much before coming over. Everything was in a mess...
Every digital material was chucked into my thumbdrives and harddisks, while every necessity was stuffed into my luggage bag.

As we enter the 4th week now, there are still things that I need to sort out one by one. Not that I'm complaining. Perhaps being unorganized is not such a bad thing afterall.

Was downloading files via the school computer today. The norm. Get things downloaded, plugged in the thumbdrive...and as I was about to copy... "Disk Space Full" it prompted.

So I browsed through to see what could be removed. Took out some of the songs, trying to clear as much space as possible so that I could bring all my files back. There it stood a folder, 'Pictures' it says. So I went in wondering what possibly could be in that folder of mine...

Little memories I brought from PD... The silly smiles, the hilarious antics, random pictures that only I find relevance in... It brought a smile that pretty much stucked on my face for some pretty long hours...

I didn't get to copy every file home. Some spaces are just not disposable. The files can wait.

Today's sun was beaming brightly... on the way back... I stood awake... throughout the entire journey. Started to notice things that I wouldnt normally see when I was commuting home. Never noticed how near my current place is from a highschool. Never realized how many fastfood chains are there around the area... never realized a garden of wild daisies along the houses...not until now...

Friends are a little worried, why the constant excitement each time I see daisies on the streets, on someone's yard, in some florist's stand... They're prolly more concerned about my sexual preference over my state of mind. Nonetheless, such irregular behaviour pursues... I sneaked into a man's backyard... all for the sake of capturing a bunch of purple daisies.

Perhaps I was too engross with what I was doing, I was frightened by a sudden voice behind. "What are you doing in my lawn?" he said.
Panic ensues... had to think of a clever getaway, pronto. I stood up. Slowly turned behind, while simultaneously providing uplifts for the cheeks, and lips... as soon as my face gets fully alligned to the owner's, I was smiling like a Cheshire cat.
"Nothing!"
"Lovely daisies you have!"
"Have a nice day!!!"

Not a second too soon, I happily skipped away from the periphery that is his house's...and started running as soon as all visual connections between the owner and I were cut off.

Wether it's taking pictures of flowers, refinding lil memories or getting caught for my irregular behaviors... putting humility aside... it actually brought smiles day in and out.

I believe I've brought more than I expected in my luggage. Along with the clothes, toiletries, gadjets and documents... I brought these little things from Msia...

It's the little things in life... that make us all smile.
Have you smiled today?

Bullshit.

"Bullshit!" exlcaimed the tutor.
A burst of laughter from the small crowd that is Scale City Studio.

I can feel my face heated up, yet I stood proud. In returned I asked, "What? Bullshit?"

"Yes Bullshit I say."

My final struggle from drowning in the swarms of laughter... "No it's not. Can be done."

"Well prove it to me then!"

"I believe I will." I ran through the datas instantly as soon as I got off the projector screen. I see no wrong in my claims... I waited till class ended... and went back to the tutor...

He apologized, as soon as he realized it was simply a small problem of miscommunication. Yet... this uneasy feeling followed me back home. Was it due to the humiliation in amongst the peers? I believe not.

He wasn't all wrong in calling Bullz right in my face. I was at a wrong. My presentation of information wasn't clear enough. On my way back, I came up with about 3 to 4 better improvements to how I could've done better in the scenario to avoid the humiliation. I should've make better preparations.

Nobody is perfect it seems. It's just an expectation I've set for myself... How could I have let my guards down... There is still so much room left for improvement.

Guess it's demoralizing...simply because I expected something out of today's presentation. The adrenaline rush I get through appraisals and recognition is prolly the only motivation I have left to keep me going on a day to day basis. Yet the downfall to this... is that when you don't get what you want, you simply fall from the peak of ego... onto the ground of humility.

I fall, I learn... I try again... I am coping much better as the weeks pass by. Emotionally stronger by the week. But I'd be lying if I were to deny the joy of having one to share your sorrows, one that would lift your 'downs' with her 'ups'.

Perhaps I could ask her to share some of the excitement from her day.

Week 02

It was midnight... I was heading home from the city. It's the weekend. The streets are crowded, and the trams were packed. Just had a drink or two with some highschool friends, and there goes again the usual flattering on how prospectous my career could lead me. Truth is...
I find it really difficult now. Prolly it was the drink...that stirred up all these emotional turmoil. Or it's just what lies hidden beneath my guts all these while.

I'm very very tired... mentally...and needless to say...physically. Professional courses take a whole hell long of a time to complete...I'm at the very final 2 steps... I should cross it. I know. Hence where I am now. This is a fight alone. I do not wish to pass this worry to the family...They should not know of this. The friends have their own shit to take care of...

When I was walking home from the station, I chanted... "Zen Koe, Architect".... "Zen Koe, ARCHITECT!", "Zen Koe, Registered Architect!" ...it's no longer the same... the will to fight on... no longer rivals the spirit I had...

I really wish you could tell me that I'm not alone... but lets get realistic...
till the day arrives...

I just have to be strong.

and if I still fall...

Be stronger.

Falling Ill

Australia is basically a rather clean city to live in. The air is fresh (surprisingly the 3rd largest carbon footprint on earth), the climate change is bearable, but its inevitable for one to completely avoid the flu bug.

Over the discourse of 2008, I fell ill around the month of August. It was not a pleasant feeling. Throughout the recuperation period, one can't help but to think of those he/she dears for... The things I would trade for a moment of touch and a moment of care.

In 2010, I received this warm welcome from Melbourne just a week after arrival. I caught the flu bug. It was a sudden attack with no signs of warning from the body. The body suddenly loses strength, immense pain throughout... The worst part is having to travel so far a disorientated body.

When night falls it was prolly one of the worst experience I've came to experience till this point of life. The temperature is of 21 degrees celcius... But I was shivering under a 2" thick silk blanket, paired with an unbearable backache. It was a sleepless night. I resist calling you... even that I knew you're my instant pain killer. As I promised to take good care of myself and not having to let you worry.

The torturous experience lasted only for a night. For the next morning, I regained partial strength and feeling all rigor and ready to move. I moved into this new alien place just late yesterday. Although far off from the city, it is made up for its beautiful setting and my rather beautiful room. Plus the rent is at an affordable rate. My landlords are pretty nice people too. So nice that no bond or tie of agreement is required throughout the duration of my stay.

There was a hail storm yesterday as I was moving out. Ice missles as large as 5cm diameter shooting from the sky. The city was in chaos, people on the streets running frantically to gain shelter. The hail made its way through Melbourne city with a trail of destruction. The aftermath is rather daunting, streets filled with ambulances and red engines... Sirens ringing everywhere, while the streets are emptied in just moments.

All in all, all iz well. I manage to navigate my way back to my new home safely, and my recovery is at an optimistic rate. Today would be a better day.