When I was Your Man

"...too young, too dumb to realize
That I should've bought you flowers
And held your hand
Should've gave you all my hours
When I had the chance
Take you to every party
'Cause all you wanted to do was dance
Now my baby's dancing
But she's dancing with another man"

I am like a tornado. The more passionate I become, the more I destroy in my path. I belong in the middle of the ocean. 

Overdue Promise

For an overdue promise.
For a chance to redeem myself.
For a better tomorrow.

I will... succeed.

It is On You

When the world gives you a head start, with a decent family, financial stability and proper education... and you still manage to fucked it up... then it is on you.

When you are blessed with a healthy body, working limbs and disabilities-free... and you still manage to fucked your body up.. then it is on you.

When you are born with a good mind in synthesizing information  and rationalizing your actions... and yet you still allow people to fuck you up... then it is on you.

When you are endowed with a beautiful and wonderful life partner... and you still manage to fucked it up... be it the fault of two ... be it the limitation of the moment... YES! YOU GOT IT! IT IS STILL FUCKING ON YOU!

When you are constantly sane, and rational yet you let your life spiral to this predicament...then it is all on you. You fucked up. But most importantly, "what are you going to do about it? "

Throwing in the Towel

A good fighter doesn't back out from a fight.
He doesn't admit defeat...
neither does he sees a limit to his efforts and achievements.

But I feel a good fighter should also know when to throw in the towel.
Losing a battle is temporary.
Losing all will and trust in hope is permanent.

深不可测

In this chapter... I saw myself upon a structure that some what resembles a well.
I went forth...dropped a coin... to make a wish upon the sound of a splash.
Nothing was heard.
I dropped another coin.
Not an echo. Neither a resonance of some sort.

Unwilling to admit defeat... I went to gather a bag full of coins. Upon return, launching hands full after hands full of coins into the well. Still... not a sound returned.
Even an empty well would have generated some form of noise from the coins thrown in earlier.

Occasionally vague noises were heard... perhaps it was a gush of wind, or the waving branches nearby... or the heart just wants to hear what it wants to hear.
It was never the well.


The bag filled with coins earlier are now 3/4 empty. The well still silent.
...

In The Game

The focus is not in place.
Too much distraction...
Too much inefficiency...
Too much unnecessary feelings.


Time to hold everything back in place...
Time to get back into the game.

@ 2am

My dormant nightly habits are resurfacing, while the mind and the body seems to comply to its uncanny needs.
I would stay awake till the mind settles or more often than not, I would take the prized car for a joy ride around the neighborhood.

Its quiet, calming... my solitude and my moving sanctuary.
Then at this precious moment, a phone call came.
Calls at this hour often send an unsettling chill into anyone's soul.
But not this one. A call out of concern... A call out of care, not often shown and never obvious.
A call from a family member... telling me to take cautious of the recent rampant crimes out there...

It was warm. It was calming.
Upon reaching the next junction, I made a u-turn.
I headed home.

Love & Selflessness

They say love is a strong feeling. 

It is a selfish feeling. 

I really hate that feeling. Feeling selfish, feeling insecure, having the need to compare all the time...

It is a tiring feeling. 

My ideal love should be selfless. That tinge of sour and bitterness as you green with jealousy... but then just enough sweetness to save it all from that smile of your partner... knowing he/she is truly happy. 

Your partner's happiness should be your happiness. 

The recipe is simple... yet the proportion is never easy to control. 

Too much sourness... ends in jealousy.

Too much bitterness... ends in misery.

Too much sweetness... smothers your partner indefinitely. 

Humans and their complicated feelings. What a bunch of trouble seekers. 

The Grass After The Rain

I like the smell of grass after rain. The light breeze of the wind carries the earthy musk of the rain-drenched grass gently hitting against my face.

Often contented by simple events, from far I look like a simple person.
Yet I am never simple. The inane ability to synthesize facts and information contradicts all simplicity that I value so much.

The overly simplistic likings are perhaps an over compensation for the complexity that is apparent in me.

I just want to be a simple person.
But I cannot.

Expectations

"A strong belief that something will happen..."
It usually doesn't in my case. Perhaps I have set the bar too high...
Or I tend to think the best of human nature.

But there are rare instances when I found people or things that went beyond my expectations.
And these are rare instances.
Is it all worthwhile to keep living optimistically hoping one of these would happen?
Well the argument is that... it would happen anyway even without you setting any form of expectations.

As expectations would only bring you down and see the worse in a person.
Why care?
Set yourself free from the ball and chain that is "expectation."

Expect less...
Live more.

Mirror

I am like a mirror.
For I reflect the good... while I also reflect the bad.
I reflect the best, while I can also reflect the worst.

It comes 2nd nature to me the way I treat people.
Through their reflections. Yet I always try to put in a little extra.
For whatever good that is done...I return with a little bit more kindness.
For whatever bad that was done... I tend to let them have a little taste of what was felt.

It also comes difficult at times when I can never find a way to reflect one's kindness and affection...
I would rather opt not to be in such predicament.
Someone once told me that I tend to hold pointless insistence.
Perhaps I do.
And this quality of mine tends to not just stress myself... but others as well.
It is perhaps everyone is never perfect. The idea of being around a mirror would act as a constant reminder of the things they have done wrong... The notion of having to be at your best simply scares many.

Never bestow onto others what you wish not be done upon yourself.
I guess... it is just too much to ask for.

Me ...
and my pointless insistence.

无谓的坚持

Despair

Is when you have tried all your best...
and it changes nothing...

Selfish Jerk

"Honey badger ,"  a nick name from the uni days . Why "honey badger?" Because honey badger don't give a shit . Cause it's a badass. 

In shielding my pain, all I cared about back then was myself . Why care if you have hurt someone through your words . You can't take responsibility from hurting someone for speaking the truth now can you? 

And yet today I worry if my words have the slightest impact on people who just wish to distant themselves from me . Oh bother why do I care . 

Life is simpler as a selfish jerk. At least you guarantee that one person is happy . 

Resolutions

I made a promise.
Or rather... a list of promises.
 And it's time to pay up by the end of the year.

1. Drop one size by the end of September. From XL to L.
 2. Reach out to old friends and make new ones.
 3. Make headway in career.
4. Overcome cigarette addiction. 
5. Find 2nd income.
6. Pick up a hobby.
7. Make gym a way of life.
8.Join competitions.
9. Pick up an instrument.
10. Never start a relationship out of loneliness.

Left Overs

At every single turn, at every single angle, lies a remnant of our past.
"Feel free to put it away..." you said; before your drove off from the gates.

Albeit the painful reminders they may bring, I will not throw them away.
These are memories and lessons we have both accumulated over the years.
Be it painful, it was a knowing decision that I have made. All that so I will never forget every bad decisions I have made... all the hearts I have broke...

And in time... I will walk out of this... knowing that I am a person whom I can better accept.

"I'm bad and that's good.
I will never be good, and that's not bad.
There's no one I'd rather be than me."

I Don't Wanna...Talk About It.

Do not ask me if it is the right thing to do, for I do not have an answer.
But I do know... that it is the wrong thing to do if I continue leading someone on without a definite commitment.

 I come to understand that asking is a sign of caring.
 But I do not understand... why the answer needs to come now.
 I need some time.
 And really...
...
 ..
 .
I Don't Wanna Talk About It.