Infatuation

To be honest, I've developed interest in the opposite sex since the age of 5. Sure, all kids go through a series of sexuality exploration, arguably I still see adults doing it, yet mine developed at a pretty young stage. In my memory, I still see boy classmates cussing at girls, categorizing themselves according to gender and vice versa. Its always fun to have battle of the sexes from time to time, even the teachers buy this kinda stuff. Perhaps they find it cute to see the kids fighting then, than the foreseen sight of clingy koalas throughout the school compound. The then quarelling couples, are now clingy koalas that no trains, cars, forklift, crowbar,submarine, every force of nature imaginable combined could separate, except for maybe football or porn or some guy stuff girls have no interest in.

Fair enough, I myself participated in the silly act. It was all an act to me, to not stand out as an outcast from the dominant male society of my time. But deep down, I think to myself, how many of these brothers are in the act with me. What's to dislike about girls? They don't smell, well not as bad as we do. They look presentable almost at every occassion. They have smiles that could melt a glacier of ice. They are vain, but in a good way, they simply complement us, just by standing by our side. We are actors from the day we live on as a society. I manage to put a very convincing act till the age of 14. That's when the leaders from the pack unveiled their mask, that they themselves were also acting all these while. It's part of the natural order of things, one can try to conquer a mountain, swim through a storm to prove their wits and strength to the forces of nature, but fighting our natural instincts and feelings just prove otherwise.

Hiding in the act, many infatuations crossed my life, which startles me with fantasy from time to time what good of a wife she can be if we were to live happily ever after. The very first started in kindergarden. Yes. I kid you not. A girl that sat a desk away from me had these cute little eyes, and a cutesy tail tied behind her head had me brawling with kids, aggressively raising my hand for questions, shamelessly humiliating myself all in the favor of her attention. The funny thing about this crush... is that we have nvr spoke, or at least a decent coversation that could at least at last 5 sentences or more. Till graduation, she never knew. Wonder how beautiful she's become now. Or maybe not, her mom's not really 'a doll' if you get what I mean, and gene is one hateful, vengeful bastard ready to strike when you least expect it.

Then there was primary school, in primary 4 if I was not mistaken, there was this angel that descended from the heavens to my aid. K fine, all she did was added a few strokes to my homework and beautify it a notch. But that's enough to keep my mind occupied for a very long time. This feeling persisted for quite some time... I literally cuss my way through primary school. Rebelious, sexist, chauvinist... Words, my weapon of choice. But I very delicately ensure that she and only she is spared from my daily massacre. But I wonder if she noticed. The same scenario ensues... we nvr really spoke. Till maybe secondary school, that's when she actually became a part of my life. The heavens have smiled upon me, sending me an angel to stand by my side. We were finally together, my very first relationship. Yet things ended quite bitterly.
She prolly hates my guts now, and prolly damned me to an eternal servitude under Lord Satan.
That's what you do when you mess with an angel.

From the age of 5-14, we can see a pattern of behavior. In contrary towards popular belief... I am really kinda shy. Sarcasm and cruelty was just a mask to shield my insecurity from the world.

What happens from then you ask?

Things start to take on a different route. Which isn't much of a difference and here's why...

After the first breakup, I start to potrayed a more confident and outspoken part of me.
I stop cussing, my words are filled with flattery and sweetened with jars of syrup. A sweet talker you might say. I tend to sweet talk my way out of things. Although sweetened, they are honest truth in my very own perspective of things. Some call it hypocritical, mostly the guys. And then I see a dilemma. Back then I was trying hard to blend in with the dudes, now the same scenario repeats itself. Somehow guys had to see you bitch about the opposite sex one way or another. Yeah, we're hopelessly pretentious. If theres no ugly girl to you, "you're pretentious!" If your gf is not a bitch at times, "you're pretentious!"

Life goes on as a double agent.

What happens from 15-20, you will see a master at work, shamelessly displaying his way with words and how much of a conversationist he is with women. Many other things alike, things don't always turn out from what they appear to be. I can boldly speak to girls and strike up a conversation any given time, but just never the girls I am truly interested in.
New stage in life, a new method to shield my fear and shyness.
Perhaps I felt girls that I like is out of my league, or perhaps I have this insecurity that I might foil just another relationship.

But there are exceptions. Exception is when you know that you will regret for the rest of your miserable life knowing that you never took a chance in that very moment of your life. Exception is when your desire overclouds your judgement and your rationality and every ounce of damn shame you have left in your body. Exception is when you figure out how applied math in probability applies in a relationship, trying is >0% while not trying will always be 0%. And that is when you know these exceptions are what they called, love.

At 21, life is pretty much at a stand still. No big developement, no drastic change....
Just that... life is a lot more complicated now.

Love has become an equation. Combined with rationality, logic and risk analysis.

These infatuations still persist as we speak. But it will still end the same way.
Observing from far is suffice for now. Their smile ever so radiant, their voice ever so dreamy... and they will always remain beautiful, as you wonder the secrets behind their cheery laughter, the mystery of their lovely scent... secrets you will never get a chance to uncover.

Sadly, the most beautiful things in life, are often things you never get.

It Runs in The Family

Through years of observation,
I came upon this final conclusion that my family has suffered a severe case of stuckupism for I dont know how many generations before me.

No matter how much you may dislike, what sort of role model your parents have for the learning, you tend to pickup certain traits and habits wether you like it or not.

In my case...
no... not the chauvinism, not yet. And lets hope it stay that way...
it's the other thing...
dictatorship.

Starting from my father's generation...
he simply would not take "NO" for an answer.
You either oblige or face the fury of ... god knows what... nvr dared to attempt the unforeseen till now.
To make things simple, displeasing him simply brings more harm than good.
Very seldom he would take advise from one whose position is below him.
Having to become the boss of his own company, easy enough, he takes no advise from anyone at all.
Friends on the other hand is a different story.
He listens attentively towards his so called friends (secretly they are a pack of two-faced sly foxes waiting for the right moment to cheat off some wealth off my dad, but that's for another entry), and more often than not he takes their stupid advises.
sometimes they were good.
most of the time it's just plain stupid.
There are also traces of elitism within the bloodline.
Sad to say... same thing with my mom, both my parents do not tend to listen to one who is of a lower social hierarchy than they are.

These set of bad traits, evolved as it descended towards us.
The potency of such traits lessen...
but the traces are still evident.

My two elder brothers made a perfect mirror of how I act when I lead.
They formed a new branch of suprematism, in which they got so stucked-up in their head...
they tend to turn a little too cocky when proving a point.
The good thing is that we only turn cocky because we can.
As in, we can actually achieve a certain job before boasting about it and not plain talk.

I was observing my brother the other day, how he challenged his subordinates to finish a certain car diagnostic before the clock strikes 6.
They complained that they dont wish to waste time on such bet as they want to get off work fast.
It's the weekend afterall.
Egoistically my brother claimed he can have the job done in 30 minutes if the clock strikes 6, they do not have to worry about leaving work late.
It wouldn't sound all too cocky if he were to only said it once.
then it would seem very much like a slip of honest words.
But he had to repeat that sentence 3 other times to prove a point and to bring further humiliation towards them.
Well, the true humiliation comes in when he really accomplishes the job within the 30 minutes marker with some time to spare for tea.

I observed quietly by the side...
10 years back... I would be inspired in awe...
would idolized my capable brother upon a pedestal.
Now... I just walk off with a heavy shoulder... and sigh in shame.
It's as if snippets of my campus life were being played before me.
Who knows how many friends and colleagues I've pissed off before this.
I do realise I tend to get a little carried away when I can accomplish what others can't.
And certain demonstration of rage were given with an excuse of lubricating the progress of a job.
But I figured, there are more subtle ways in which I can get the job done.
This way I don't have to piss so many sides off.

I took a semester off for the purpose of self exploring...
and experiments.
I slide off all heavy leader duties invested on me.
I would like to observe how others get the job done.
The timid ones got bullied real bad.
Whereas the hard headed leaders got jabbed real hard from the behind by their accomplices.
But one thing is for sure...
Having to observe from afar...I tend to see my previous mistakes... and developed a new set of management skills.
I guess I've made developement in my EQ and leadership from all these.

Would sincerely apologize to my friends, comrades in arm... for putting up to my arrogance over the academic years.

Guess a little modesty goes a long way.
I used to think that ample confidence will highlight a man....
But I find confident, and capable man with a little touch of modesty would definitely shine brighter.

One final try before a new chapter begins in my life.

Hi, It's Me...

"Hi, it's me... how's life?"

The exact 5 words I wish to present through the phone...
I am a coward. I dare not make that simple call as I fear I may annoy you...
How long as it been?
Has it been 3 years yet?
Or 2 years plus?
I've lost count...

Do you like cheese?
Was it 2 packs of sugar for your coffee? Or was it 1?

Slowly details of you are being washed away by the sands of time...
There are still vivid memories that lingers in the deepest corners of my mind...
Like how you laughed at me for being an art student who has got no idea what turquoise is...
Apparently... that's your favourite color.
Like how you are only willing to share a bite off your yam bun from bread story.

All these memories, at least what's left of them, might very well be different now.
Things change, dates change, inevitably... people change...

I've changed. Have you?
Can we come out for dinner someday...
one last dinner as friends... before we move our separate paths?

That dinner I asked a while ago...

If all these is too much to ask...
I guess my last request from you... is to be frank...
to be honest with me...

even if the truth hurts.
Still... I sincerely wish the best for you.

Whatever Will Be...Will Be

There are times in life where we tend to do something extremely pointless albeit the stupidity in it.
But these decisions tend to be once in a life time, where most things are.
You knew if you let such chances slip through, you will probably live in remorse for the remaining hours of your life.
Yes. Even if it's fruitless...
Even if the probability of success is close to nil
You tend to wrestle it out with the hands of fate.

Life is a cycle... Back then your mom used to warn you about the danger of playing with knives, strange how most of us are hardheaded enough to ended up carving our body with these dangerous knives our mommy warned us about.
18 years ahead, you have community messages advising teens to stay away from drugs, avoid reckless driving so on and so forth...
Still there would be ppl testing out drugs, driver who acts like their daddy owns everything their wheels landed on...

It's inevitable that certain things in life are to be learned through real life experience...
It's also inevitable that we fall deep in the process...
But through these falls, it shapes character, nurtures maturity...
We live by the moment, we dont live after it.
Do not tell me what "IF" it was of another scenario.
There's only "IF" in that split second of decision making.

By the end of it all...
For the very least...
You won't think of the "IF"
and there is no regret...
Because you chose to try.

Of Corny Lines and Bad Strategies

It ain't as simple as how it used to be.
A relationship is easily formed when the guy meets the lady... along with some concoction of love, the right ambience, the right timing... and some chemistry...
pooof~ you see a match made in heaven.

I blame it all on modern soap operas...
Giving the false impression that love needs to be a drama...
Boys and Girls the same...
Love became too superficial... either for materials... or some dramatic excuse of "finding the right one."

Love can be really simple.
It's simply a response towards your heart's content for the other affectionate person. And it is only complete when both side response in coherence pretty much like a wavelength.

Guys these days have turned so low into throwing corny lines... and stupid promises....
Theres always the complicated matter whether to address this pair of friends you meet in the public a couple or simply good friends...
The line that segregates friendship and lovehood has been very faint these days...

You might see a stick of "yau char guai" walking side by side... sticking so close, you tend to wonder if they were faternal twins borned with defection having their head stuck to each other....
And by the end of the day... they'll respond with a "we're just friends..."

And courtship is even more ridicule than it sounded already back then when your dad brings your mom a moon stone and they begin to make out....
These days... you tend to hear pathetic excuses for guys to approach girls...
They are too chicken shit to state their standings...
and often enough they chose to stand in the middle line that separates friends and lovers...

"I want to tell you, that I love you... But... I won't go after you...I just want to tell you to ease this pain of keeping a secret... Can we still act on as friends"
"Oh ya, and can I still call you every alternate day?" =.="

YEAH RIGHT!!!!!

Give me a break already!
"Can we still be friends?" and he went calling this girl every alternate day...
Pathetic... If you're too chicken shit to declare courtship to this girl... then freaking save it will yah?!
Stop complicating matter than it already is.

But seriously...
you pathetic dudes with pathetic corny lines enlightened me lots.
I sincerely thank you guys too for the courtesy of setting the milestone of complete idiocy that every guy simply must not follow.

Just give me some preparation and time to reflect....
and I'll show you idiots what real men are made of.
Courtship should very much be like Braveheart... where you shout your lungs out plundering towards enemy camp even from 50 yards away. But guys, you can cut the dress out.
Not all girls have this fetish for guys in dress.

Happy Birthday

It was a rainny gloomy afternoon...
I woke up to see my phone beaming 1315,
I've slept through my morning... Still bearing traces of yesterday's traumatizing remarks from the bosses...
The residue of fatigue seems to be taking toll on my heavy body...
Yet today was meant to be very meaningful...
I checked my phone's to-do-list...
and there it states....
"Collect Daisies from florist by 4."

I dragged my heavy body into the bathroom... and started to pick up pieces of me under the pouring shower...
And as soon as the plans I had for the night slides through my lazy mind... a vague smile was released, released from my tired heart, the last place i expect to find a smile so sincere...

I took a deep breath... while pulling my fringes to the back of my ear...
and there I stood, staring at my alter ego, the gloomy antagonist that takes over when I'm alone...
I then lift my finger... and pokes his head...
"You're suppose to make tonight meaningful for her!" I exclaimed.
My reflection nodded... and was soon clouded by water vapors...

Just in time, the florist was going to call to check whether I still want my daisies...
"Of course!" I overreacted...
Those are pink daisies you can rarely find without reservation a day before hand...
It's not a season for daisies...
and I can't settle for a day other than today...
Upon transaction... I placed the bouquet of daisies upon my chest... and started my march towards my car...

People were staring...
But I was too busy to bother the queer eyes of strangers...
I was too occupied with the tedious task of counting the daisies...

And so as agreed, I waited by her doorstep sharp at 1830...
She was still busy having to dry her hair... While waiting, I thought to myself...
"hmmm, would it be better if I present the flowers now?" "Nah! Why not a double surprise?!"an alternate voice responded....
and so I resume to my papers... and believe the daisies are safe where it is... in the trunk of the car...

"Wei... I'm not ready yet, can you wait a whee longer?" a voice came from above...
"Sure! Take your time" It was my day off... you can have all of my time for tonight.
"Tada! I'm ready, lets go" I lift my head from the new column i was reading...
There she stood... dressed not too extravagant... nor too casual... Dressed in yellow, a color so warm and vibrant... just enough to complement her energetic self.

And so we set off to the buzzling center of town...
It was pouring along the highway...
I was praying that the rain might stop just in time upon reaching our destination...
I dont want the evening to be spoiled by some torrential rain.
She was too busy toying with the radio to see my worried face...

and a voice was let out...

"I dont want to get wet can?!" she asked... =.=" In a very bimbotic way.
"CAN! "

She never enjoyed having long rides... especially during traffic jams...
"Are we there yet?!"
"hmm, almost..."

"Are we there yet?!"
"hmmm... few meters nearer now..."

"AHHHH I hate traffic jams!"
"=.=" easy for you to say... Look who's driving?!"

she giggled...
Every notion, every speech, every gesture was captured...
I guessed I was in an excitement above hers...Nothing must go wrong tonight...

"Eh? Rendezvous?! HAR?! Want to eat steak in that place meh, dont want CAN?!"
finally we're near to our destination, but it's nothing of what she had in mind...
so I played along...
"Cannot! We're eating in that stuffy place, which is very wet now after the rain"
Thank heavens the rain stopped just in time...

"K lor..." she frowned a lil...
haha... I can't seem to wipe that smirk off my face when she frowned...
but it didnt take long for her to return to her joyful self...

"Oh!!! Time is here.... Do what one time? Sell newspaper one ah?"
=.="
"It's the headquarter of a telecomunication center dear" =)
"Ohhhh, no idea. Nvm la." and continues with her sight seeing
Haha... It's not everyday she goes to the city center seeing how far her home was from the city...
Her expression was too cute to be ignored...
Already I am beginning to forget of what happened the day before...
I too was very indulged in that very moment...

"Are we there yet?"
I pulled the indicator...
"Yeah, we're dining here tonight."
"HAR? Serious?! Not rendezvous?"
"Yeap. We're here" as I drove my car to the parking slot.
Brake... Handbrake... Gear pushed to P
"K, lets go"
"I dont want to get down can?!" Again with the bimbotic talk =.=
"Cannot!"
"hmmm... I dont want to order can?!"
"Cannot!"
"HAR?!"
"Dont worry... Tonight, it's on the house... your purse is safe =)"

As we walk passed the reception...

"Welcome!" The manager greets us warmly... along with our hosts and hostess...

"Wei... I'm scared... I've nvr been to places like this... celebrate with me in mamak ma can lo..." she whispers...
"Dont worry... 21 this year :) ought to try everything for once."

The manager pulls the chair for the lady... and begins to mumble by himself...
As soon as he left...

"Wei what he said?"
"er... beats me..."
"Then you nod?"
"Don't care la... It's either have a nice day or something like that"

And then came the menu...
"Wah... hmmm... I'm not hungry"
"No! I don't care. You have to eat, I'll let you choose the main, the appetizer and dessert is mine to decide"
"hmmm, I Dont know la... I've no idea what all these are... you order la"
"alright then..."

Signals the waiter... after a session of profuse nodding and excessive smiling, the menu was set...

"Wah...!" she exlaimed...
"What?"
"You sure know your stuff ah! Always come here one ah?"
"Nope, this is the 2nd time, and I'm not good with Italian"
"But then you look so proffesional with the white sauce and some technical names for italian dishes!"
"Haha, Manage to cheat them eh?!"
"Yeah!"
"Well I dont know bout them, but it sure cheated you, haha!" I laughed...
her cheek turned a lil pink...
Wasnt sure if it was the magarita, or an reaction after I teased her...But it was all too alluring under the warm ambience of the restaurant...

I was too occupied observing her... and then it strucked me...
"hmm, excuse me, I need to use the washroom"
"oh, you know where meh?"
"No idea, I'm going to ask the manager"

So I hurried towards the captain/manager...
"Can you do me a favor sir?"
"yeah?"
"You see, tonight it's the lady's big day, can the kitchen serve my tiramisu with a candle on top? Please?"
"oh! Sure!"
"Thanks!!!! And one more thing... I have these flowers for the lady here... hmmm... It's in my car... can you followed me to the car from the back... so you can hide the flowers for me and present to her along with the cake?"
"oh! ok ok, I'll take the backdoor" The captain has been most helpful, I thank him for that.

And dashed I went to my car... and took the flowers from my trunk...
And when close is clear... I signalled the captain towards my car...

"Here are the flowers... thank you"
"You have good taste?"
"HUH? For flowers?"
"No! For girls! She is Hou Leng Lui ah, you're one lucky guy!"
"haha..." I held on to that laugh... thinking of the best way to respond...
I too wished what he said was true... but it would be too much of a hassle to tell him we're just friends...and so I responded with a
"thank you" =)

Happy and sad at the same time... a very confused feeling I had... no matter... I walked back into the restaurant and continue to visit the washroom nonetheless to avoid suspision...

"hei, sorry for the wait"
"hmm, where you went just now? why did you ran back to the car?"
"oh! I thought the washroom is outside...but soon I found out I took the wrong way... and turns out it was inside all along HAHA!" A very lame attempt to cover for it...
"oh! nvm then =)" Did I pulled it off?
"Dont be so silly next time" YES I DID!

And so the dinner went on... with chuckles and laughters... we laughed to our silly jokes... and listen to each other's stories...
Sooner than you know it... the last dish was served...
It was time for the dessert...
I noticed the host and hostess was liting the candle from the back... and the hostess was holding the daisies...

"hei, sorry about not having flowers... you said you wanted them..."
"it's ok... "
"and... isnt it abit weird without cakes and wishes?
"nvm la"
haha...
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" the crew went shouting from the back
=)
"Oh no! You didnt?!"
"Yes I did"
"And flowers too?!"
*nod nod*

"AHHHH THANK YOU!"
She was beaming with joy, but then... a pause broke it off
"But how am I going to bring the flowers into the cinema later?!"
"haha, now you know what's the sorry for"
"AHHH!!!! thank you!!!! Sor lou!!!"
I've tried pulling surprise party for friends before this...
But this was indeed the happiest I had...
"haha... sor por!"

"Eh eh, take picture!"
hahaha... typical of a girl her age...camwhoring is a trend.

"Wei, wei, we two take together!"
"hmmm, let's take outside by the fountain"
"Oh, ok, wait for me, I need to visit the washroom"

A golden opportunity...
As soon as she made a turn down the corridor... I jumped onto my feet... and asked for the bill by the counter...

"hmmm ..." the captain was silent...
"hei..."
"yeah?"
"haha... thanks for everything"
"sure" =)

when she returned... I'm already back at my seat pretending nothing ever happened...

"Let's go"
"where?"
"fountain ?"
"oh! Bill first la" she grabs her purse
"it's already paid."
"HAR?!"
"told you it's on the house"
"DONT LA YOU!"
"haha... let's go, faster faster... the canopy looks beautiful"
"WEI!!!!"

as she echos from behind...

"come let's take a picture here.... you stand there..."
"dont want!"
"why?"
"both of us take! =D"
"haha, ok!"

*chicak*

"eeee... not nice, my head looks so big, can?!"
"ok... another one"
"hmmm this looks ok..."
"another one pls"
"OK!"

as our head slowly alligned to one another's.... I turned around...
and planted a kiss on her cheek...
and whispered in her ears...
"Happy birthday..."

"Thank you... Hugs?"

"=) Sure..."

*Hug* underneath the canopy... beside the fountain...
a setting too cliché to ignore...

"thank you ah sorlou"

Deep down...
I heard myself saying...

"no....

Thank you...


you made my day..."


Indeed I've nvr been that happy for a very long time...
I thank you for that...
Sincerely
From the bottom of my heart...(Yes, must add this corny line)
And I nvr wish to forget that moment of joy you brought upon when my days are most gloomy...

once again...
Thank you.

Future Uncertainty

There are countless scenarios at hand where one tends to fall completely flat in the hands of fate. I believe that the future lies in our own hands, and no existing force is great enough to change that very fact. Only a weak mind, and a weak heart will succumb to being puppets of a made-up reality known as destiny.
But irony just never cease to call an end in my life...
From time to time, I actually gave in to this irresponsible excuse of failure called 'fate', an excuse with very good packaging and religious support.

I hate to take the easy way out... but pursuing desire with low probability in success... is just... naive.
Perhaps fate is an alter ego in everyone's heart to void all misery, and avoid all responsibilities.
The entry titled "future uncertainty" is utterly pointless, who doesnt know the future is an experiment gone wrong with loads of variables, and an equation so jumbled up, it would take 20 schools of mathematicians to calculate an event.
No matter how random it could be, there is bound to be some sort of trace, or a less specific hypothesis one could expect of from the future.

This time... I am facing a future so vague... so blurry... that I fail to conduct any reasonable inference. Before I am able to sketch a rough picture of my very own road to take... I dare not make a move...
Suppressing feelings is the best move at this very moment...
Pursuing an ambition with faint lines, maintaining a family with too much fear of losing... I can't bear to take in anymore pressure... or to specify, I cant take in anymore responsibility.


It is this fear I have...
Of losing you.
Perhaps things are best the way they are...
Friends... Mutual care... where one's company is always a compliment of one's place in another's heart...
Lets not move it to another level...
Where greed takes over...
Where green of envy grows out of hand...
For now, let this be the only secret I wish to hide from you.


This is the very one time...
I will surrender completely to fate without a fight...
Too much emotions in morgage... too many happiness in loan...
I can't wager anymore with the current situation...

If there is such a thing we called destiny...
There will be a time where we will meet again...
A time where all the missing pieces of this puzzle I'm playing would be pieced together...
With a few pieces to spare...

The very few pieces that we will explore and solve together.
For now, lets let "fate" decide...

New Year Resolution

It's only right that humans improve themselves from time to time.
Without improvement, we are but static fragments of history trap in time.
I have a resolution this year.
Only one...
To be a better son.
It may be pathetic... seeing how I noticed I'm not even a son worth mentioning.

I only hope it's not too late.
Are you a good enough daughter/son?