To be honest, I've developed interest in the opposite sex since the age of 5. Sure, all kids go through a series of sexuality exploration, arguably I still see adults doing it, yet mine developed at a pretty young stage. In my memory, I still see boy classmates cussing at girls, categorizing themselves according to gender and vice versa. Its always fun to have battle of the sexes from time to time, even the teachers buy this kinda stuff. Perhaps they find it cute to see the kids fighting then, than the foreseen sight of clingy koalas throughout the school compound. The then quarelling couples, are now clingy koalas that no trains, cars, forklift, crowbar,submarine, every force of nature imaginable combined could separate, except for maybe football or porn or some guy stuff girls have no interest in.
Fair enough, I myself participated in the silly act. It was all an act to me, to not stand out as an outcast from the dominant male society of my time. But deep down, I think to myself, how many of these brothers are in the act with me. What's to dislike about girls? They don't smell, well not as bad as we do. They look presentable almost at every occassion. They have smiles that could melt a glacier of ice. They are vain, but in a good way, they simply complement us, just by standing by our side. We are actors from the day we live on as a society. I manage to put a very convincing act till the age of 14. That's when the leaders from the pack unveiled their mask, that they themselves were also acting all these while. It's part of the natural order of things, one can try to conquer a mountain, swim through a storm to prove their wits and strength to the forces of nature, but fighting our natural instincts and feelings just prove otherwise.
Hiding in the act, many infatuations crossed my life, which startles me with fantasy from time to time what good of a wife she can be if we were to live happily ever after. The very first started in kindergarden. Yes. I kid you not. A girl that sat a desk away from me had these cute little eyes, and a cutesy tail tied behind her head had me brawling with kids, aggressively raising my hand for questions, shamelessly humiliating myself all in the favor of her attention. The funny thing about this crush... is that we have nvr spoke, or at least a decent coversation that could at least at last 5 sentences or more. Till graduation, she never knew. Wonder how beautiful she's become now. Or maybe not, her mom's not really 'a doll' if you get what I mean, and gene is one hateful, vengeful bastard ready to strike when you least expect it.
Then there was primary school, in primary 4 if I was not mistaken, there was this angel that descended from the heavens to my aid. K fine, all she did was added a few strokes to my homework and beautify it a notch. But that's enough to keep my mind occupied for a very long time. This feeling persisted for quite some time... I literally cuss my way through primary school. Rebelious, sexist, chauvinist... Words, my weapon of choice. But I very delicately ensure that she and only she is spared from my daily massacre. But I wonder if she noticed. The same scenario ensues... we nvr really spoke. Till maybe secondary school, that's when she actually became a part of my life. The heavens have smiled upon me, sending me an angel to stand by my side. We were finally together, my very first relationship. Yet things ended quite bitterly.
She prolly hates my guts now, and prolly damned me to an eternal servitude under Lord Satan.
That's what you do when you mess with an angel.
From the age of 5-14, we can see a pattern of behavior. In contrary towards popular belief... I am really kinda shy. Sarcasm and cruelty was just a mask to shield my insecurity from the world.
What happens from then you ask?
Things start to take on a different route. Which isn't much of a difference and here's why...
After the first breakup, I start to potrayed a more confident and outspoken part of me.
I stop cussing, my words are filled with flattery and sweetened with jars of syrup. A sweet talker you might say. I tend to sweet talk my way out of things. Although sweetened, they are honest truth in my very own perspective of things. Some call it hypocritical, mostly the guys. And then I see a dilemma. Back then I was trying hard to blend in with the dudes, now the same scenario repeats itself. Somehow guys had to see you bitch about the opposite sex one way or another. Yeah, we're hopelessly pretentious. If theres no ugly girl to you, "you're pretentious!" If your gf is not a bitch at times, "you're pretentious!"
Life goes on as a double agent.
What happens from 15-20, you will see a master at work, shamelessly displaying his way with words and how much of a conversationist he is with women. Many other things alike, things don't always turn out from what they appear to be. I can boldly speak to girls and strike up a conversation any given time, but just never the girls I am truly interested in.
New stage in life, a new method to shield my fear and shyness.
Perhaps I felt girls that I like is out of my league, or perhaps I have this insecurity that I might foil just another relationship.
But there are exceptions. Exception is when you know that you will regret for the rest of your miserable life knowing that you never took a chance in that very moment of your life. Exception is when your desire overclouds your judgement and your rationality and every ounce of damn shame you have left in your body. Exception is when you figure out how applied math in probability applies in a relationship, trying is >0% while not trying will always be 0%. And that is when you know these exceptions are what they called, love.
At 21, life is pretty much at a stand still. No big developement, no drastic change....
Just that... life is a lot more complicated now.
Love has become an equation. Combined with rationality, logic and risk analysis.
These infatuations still persist as we speak. But it will still end the same way.
Observing from far is suffice for now. Their smile ever so radiant, their voice ever so dreamy... and they will always remain beautiful, as you wonder the secrets behind their cheery laughter, the mystery of their lovely scent... secrets you will never get a chance to uncover.
Sadly, the most beautiful things in life, are often things you never get.