It is often easy to give certain ppl a few advice on what to do in their current lifes and affairs. Yet the dilemma often remains where ppl find it difficult to follow into their very own advice to ppl.
The right choice is often seen yet not carefully taken.
Why are we so contradicted?
To gain one's trust and respect, one must very well serve the leading role of practicing what was taught to others.
If you were a soldier at war...
Will you hand in your very own life on a commander who isn't capable of wielding his own gun?
The irony here is that ppl seem to understand this very basic rule of leadership yet many fail greatly in doing so.
My parents... had been ranting about my achievements for the past 19 years...
Back in primary... scoring straight A's in UPSR seems to be the biggest thing next to owning your very own set of gundam mech warriors collection.
I can feel the envious look in my schoolmates eyes as I happily wave my result sheet in the air, dancing my way back home like there's no tomorrow.
As I approach the front gate... I wonder what my parents had installed for my dignified moment of wonderous achievement.
As I wave my results in my parents eyes... they seem stagnent..
The tv holds a greater magnetic force than their very own son's dedicated effort in making his parents happy...
The waving continues till I manage to catch the attention...
Woohoo! My mom responded.
An anxious lil boy i was, posing my favourite peace sign and await their praises...
To the readers' surprise... they gave no awe inspiring speech nor moral support...
However... she did say this...
"Do you even read the papers? There are kids out there who achieves results of 7 to 8A's in a single UPSR sheet? Your so called achievement is overshadowed by their very existence. Hold no arrogance, you are still very naive."
The feeling of happiness swept away in a tsunami of sarcasm and discouraging lecture...
I stay stranded in an island in the middle of an ocean.
Then there was this one time i scored 2nd highest in class...
I was among the hand full of pioneers who went beyond where men fear to explore.
To pursue into the higher ground which is the best class of the school standard. The "A" class.
Where eligible personel of iq 120 or higher is given a priority of entrance.
The night before parents day, I smile my way to sleep thinking how my parents will be overwhelmed by my outstanding improvement.
Yet... 2nd does not seem to be their ideal number for a son.
what they have in mind... is 1st.
So... this is the part where I am suppose to explain how they broke my heart...
My dad went...
"If it werent for your classmates downfall in their performance, u would never even gain a place in the finalists. Begrateful of what u have today. It's just luck."
While mom goes...
"Why not first?"
...but...
If it was luck... why did everyone had a downfall in performance yet I show improvement?
Never did they thought of other alternatives toward this phenomenon of their son achiving beyong their expectations.
Could it be - tough exam questions which pulled everyone down but not him?
Could it be - son's borderless effort which touched the very heart of gods?
The 2 above... are just a few short series of unfortunate events which came landing in my door every now and then for the past 19 years.
Heartbreak after heartbreak... still i manage to survive.
Love for my parents is no longer valid.
The purpose of obeying is due to respect and gratefulness of what they have given me.
Love serves no purpose in their life no more.
What they want is not a son who loves them, but a son who is above clouds who could soar like an eagle where the world would be clouded by his gigantum span of wings.
My life as a child in Koe's serve much more as the purpose of a race dog more than a love-deserving kid who needs care and love.
Everyday I receive rants of which uncle's kid have a greater achievement or some auntie's daughter who did better than me and the fact of her being a girl that I should be put to shame.
Haha...
Discouraging words... hurtful remarks... left my heart with scars and wounds beyong healing.
Just a few days back... a fall on the back left traces of fractures on the joint of the hip bone and the back bone.
Reaching home, immediately told my mom of my fall and in hope love will avail this time.
At a spontaneous rate, she scolded me for my silly fall, and blame it on my pants which is few cms too long...
the scolding continues till we reach the clinic...
The pain is excruciating. not the one on my back... but the one in my head...
Has she no heart and sympathy for her son?
For her third son at least...
At the registration counter... she actually asked me... on which very day was i given birth to...
my mom? asking me that?
While she remembers her 2nd son's birth, husband's birth...youngest son birth... yet neglecting mine?
She got angry at me for not obeying her orders to see a bone specialist...
As I told her, I only wanted to save her money by visiting a clinic doctor to see if my fall is in need of a specialist's attention.
Indeed the fall was minor and leave no possible side effects or threat to my future life as a dignified man.
Yet she was so angry... she hesitated in paying my medical fees.
Thus... I paid it myself.
Hurtful events came pouring in wave after wave on that memorable nite, when i was rushed into a nearby clinic by a caring fren for having a pair of infected eyes.
A minor infection which got my eyes swollen and eyes red as blood like those seen in vampire movies.
Rm 60 for the midnight medication for it is double pricing after 12.
On the very next morning... i presented my mom with my medical prove of an eye infection and the bill of Rm 60 hoping she would either pay me back the sum of rm 60 or even care how bad was the infection.
K. U guessed it... she said something real hurtful again...
"U wasted so much on a few eye drops? There are medicines in the fridge, did u mind looking?"
and scurried into the kitchen with no regards of my feelings nor infection.
And the Rm 60? haha... in your dreams if she's ever giving it back to me!
Frens gave useful advices on how to improve our relationship and on what to do... and that i should forgive my parents as they were there to care.
Easier said than done.
Have u ever been in my shoes?
being put down time after time is bad enough...now with the absence of love, i held no purpose of staying under this roof where i am busily blogging.
Just like my parents...
They enjoy being preachers... saints... which did lil wrong things thus hold the rights to scold u for your every wrong doings... and to lead u... to their very way of problem countering methods.
My parents are no saints... no gods...
They are ordinary ppl like u n me.
and like ordinary ppl... we contradict ourselves and hold no absolute power to prove someone wrong of their doings.
Their primary objective... is to prove everything i did... was nvr right... and what they held installed for me... is the best alternative .
They made me sinked further down into the underdark abyss....
where no lights were seem visible.
even the dimmest of light for me now... is a gift beyond description.
Just 3 more years...
I just have to bare 3 more years under this roof with them...
And i'm off to Melbourne or Singapore.
Anywhere in the world seems worthy for me... with the absence of my discouraging parents.